How Caramel Developed a Taste For Salt

"President-elect Barack Obama has taken to salted caramels, too. He likes to treat himself to a Seattle candy maker’s version, robed in dark chocolate and sprinkled with smoked sea salt."

I love reading "cultural" things in the NYT

... for what it's worth, I've loved Ladurée's caramel à la fleur de sel macarons since last year in Paris.

p.s. Starbucks's Salted Caramel Hot Chocolate is divine.

sometimes i get so weird

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button is a great movie. Ironically (or not, I don't really get irony anyways), it took a movie about aging backwards to make me realize how quickly I'm aging forwards.

21 isn't old, obviously, but scarily I'm just not that young anymore. I can't even watch crappy shows like 90210 without thinking that I'm never going to be in high school again. Whatever happened when I was Sweet 16 or whatever, that's it.
(and apparently it's amazing to be young and in love, but I can't fathom what that feels like at all)

Pretty soon, I won't even be a student. And that's so scary, having to take responsibility for things... to run my own life, in a way. I actually discussed this with a couple of friends, and somehow I feel like the only one who appreciates having free time. Sure, it's nice to be doing things at school, but I occupy my time pretty easily at home, too. I read a lot, write some things... There is a world of things to do, and I can't believe that given leisure time, some people would just be "bored."

(quite honestly, I think being perpetually "bored" is just a synonym for "too lazy to find other things to do")

Or maybe I'm just easily amused. After all,

sometimes i get so weird
i even freak myself out

EDIT:

wait a minute, why do all these high school tv shows have like 100000000 episodes that involve big parties at someone's house where everyone is drinking?!?! okay, the drinking age is 21. i think i've been to a party like that a total of once in my entire life (and that was at college, and only for 1 millisecond). sure, people drink in high school, but don't make it seem like it's a major fixture that's representative of every freaking high school in the country. if you do, then the real high schoolers will just aspire to be like the ones they see on TV. geez.

no wonder i didn't think my high school experience "lived up" to what i saw on the WB (or CW, w/e)

Q: Since when did I get so "emo"?

Let's hear it for America's Suitehearts
I must confess
I'm in love with my own sins

A:

I'm currently in an "emo music" (if we want to use judgmental superficial labels) phase. It's strange; I've liked Fall Out Boy since high school (Sugar, We're Going Down, to be specific) and The Academy Is and Panic At the Disco came to my attention in college, but I've never been majorly obsessed or anything. These days, my playlists consist of little else (besides some holiday music, but even that can be "emo" -- see A Punk Rock Christmas).

Admittedly, it doesn't always feel good to share the same music tastes as high school *fangirls*, but whatever. I went to the TAI concert, and no matter what anybody says, from a muscial point of view their performance was spot-on. Not to mention their intense connection with the audience. The show was so exhilirating, and I will always proudly call myself a devoted fan.

And the new FOB album, Folie à Deux (which basically means f*cking en français, by the way), undeniably shows off their musical prowess. I'm sorry, but there is no way you can contest the fact that Patrick, the lead singer, has an extraordinary voice, no matter your views on the song melodies themselves. Personally, I find the lyrics refreshingly introspective as well.

I guess I'm trying to say that for the moment, this is the type of music I like, and I will never really understand why people say that this is so "typically emo." Because I don't see anything "typical" about these particular bands or songs. Just listen to them; not all of the songs are about being sad and hating life, and if a few of them are, so what? Haven't you ever felt that way before? Maybe you don't need music to help you deal during those times, but don't try to undercut those of us who do.

Besides, I'm sure that eventually, I'll listen to other music. For now, I'm just reveling in the exploration, kind of like when I discovered Asian pop via Jay Chou.

~

these are the trials of our youth

On a different note, I had an interesting conversation yesterday that shed some light into a lot of aspects of gender/sexuality issues I've been going through in my head ever since first year. (for example: why use gender neutral pronouns? I mean, if you are born a girl and want to be a guy, wouldn't you just want to be called "he" instead of some awkwardly constructed ambivalent pronoun? etc.) Some things I won't ever understand on a personal level (yeah, I might have body/self-esteem issues, but I've never felt the urge to identify as anything other than female), but it really felt good to ask questions and have them answered by someone who didn't seem offended or hurt at all, which was my main concern.

If only everybody could be so non-judgmental, on both sides of the spectrum.

these are the fast times

December puts me into a contemplative mood

Saw a production of the play Big Love today. It was beautifully done, and I am glad I could get tickets at the last minute. Basically it's about 50 Greek sisters who run away to Italy in order to escape an ancient marriage contract with their American cousins. Wacky plot, but powerful themes. I liked the way the play presented all of these different perspectives on love and on gender roles (afterwards, a friend remarked that it was "very Smith"); in a way, you agree with at least one thing that each character says, even though they are all so distinct from each other.

At one point, the youngest and most romantically-minded sister steps forth and asks herself, "But why should I settle?" And I'm just reminded of my whole philosophy on love right now. I refuse to settle for something less, even if ultimately my reach exceeds my grasp and I end up alone.

~~

Of course, now I can't get out of this reflective mood, so instead of going to a Winter Weekend party where apparently I could have written my name on Harvard guys' butts (... okay, maybe not my scene regardless), I was a hermit and stayed in with chocolates and tea. ABC family was showing the first HP, so I watched.

The weirdest commercial EVER came on... it was for Marshall's and at the end, literally said "in this crummy economy, you'll find shopportunities at Marshall's" or something as disgusting as that.

This just reminded me of a speech I heard recently where an iBanking executive stated that the financial crisis might be just a wholesaler crisis now, but pretty soon it's going to become a consumer crisis. And then we'll really all start feeling screwed. I guess Marshall's is just anticipating that sentiment...

Why I will always resent Harold Bloom, just a little

I'd like to think I've evolved significantly from my HP-crazy days, where I would rant at anybody who even remotely expressed a dislike of Harry Potter. Especially Harold Bloom, literary critic, Yale professor, author of The Western Canon, and all around intellectual, who wrote an article (see below) about how Harry Potter would end up in trash cans in a few years. Honestly, I think I wrote him hate mail after I found out about that (no worries, no letters were ever sent). I even refused to read any of his literary criticism as a way to, so to speak, stick it to him.

But I've since "matured." In fact, I even bought one of his books on Hamlet (I've never opened it, but still, it's a start). Last night, I was up late reading his 1998 book on Shakespeare, and I discovered I actually like his writing style. This is the first thing I have read by him, and I genuinely liked it, compared with other literary criticism I have had to read. He exudes knowledge without being patronizing, and he has a certain familiarity with Shakespeare's plays that only somebody who is truly obsessed really can. He is, in his own words, an avid practicer of "bardolatry."

He is, in other words (namely, mine), as crazy about Shakespeare as I am about Harry Potter, if not more. So I can't fault him for that.

However, I finally brought myself to re-read his 2000 article on Harry Potter, and even though my blood no longer boils (oh look, Professor Bloom, I used a cliché), I have this sense that he just doesn't get it. By it, I mean the HP phenomenon.

From Can 35 Million Book Buyers Be Wrong? Yes. --

"Can more than 35 million book buyers, and their offspring, be wrong? yes, they have been, and will continue to be for as long as they persevere with Potter."

"The cultural critics will, soon enough, introduce Harry Potter into their college curriculum, and The New York Times will go on celebrating another confirmation of the dumbing-down it leads and exemplifies."

Wall Street Journal, 7-11-2000

http://wrt-brooke.syr.edu/courses/205.03/bloom.html

There is something fundamental that he is missing about the whole HP phenomenon. I mean, sure, HP is commercial, more so now than ever (see: WB), and it does borrow from earlier fantasy sources like LotR, and J.K. Rowling's writing is not the greatest (though I would argue that the first book, the only one he read, did not represent her at her best), the social frenzy it represented and still represents is a far cry from a "dumbing-down." HP brings people of all generations together, and the enthusiasm with which they discuss it, and the eagerness that they have toward reading in general because of HP, is invaluable.

I just don't understand how Professor Bloom could characterize it so negatively when, for me, and for so many people, HP means so much on a personal and intellectual level. Don't get me wrong, I have no delusions about HP as part of the "new literary canon," whatever that is, but Professor Bloom's implication that, for my generation and those below it, reading HP is worse than not reading at all, is not only incredibly pompous (who is he to say I am stupid based on the books I read), but also incorrect.

EDIT:

From a NY Times blog:

"Earlier this year Newsweek asked Bloom to name an important book he hadn’t read. His weary response: 'I cannot think of a major work I have not ingested.' "

... he may not come across as arrogant in his criticism, but in interviews he apparently feels the need to present himself as such!

As for me, I need to get back to quoting him in a more Shakespearean context -- back to work on this dreaded paper!

(http://papercuts.blogs.nytimes.com/2007/07/11/harold-bloom-at-77/#more-64)

my inability to think

for the first time in a while, i have to write a paper that i have no big ideas for, no sense of direction...

the thing with me is that i can easily write things as long as i know what i'm writing about. this time, though, it's the lack of IDEAS that freaks me out and renders me completely lost.

~~

went to an event today that reminded me that at least i still have a job after graduation. so maybe it doesn't matter after all. but then i why do i still feel so crappy?

aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh

aaahhhhh
aaaaahhhhhh
I've got that lefty curse
Where everything that I do is flipped
and awkwardly reversed
You're seldom known and barely missed
I always put myself
in destructive situations
I need oxygen
to be exposed where no one goes
Where no one's been
When it all comes crashing...

aaaahhh
Now we've got a big, big mess on our hands tonight
ahhhhaaahhhhhh
Now we've got a big, big mess on our hands tonight

Somebody get my phone
So I can throw it in a public pool
And watch it float
And as it's slowly sinking down,
become a social ghost
Inside a box, cut out the top
To let some light shine in
To remind me of what I've done
And where I've been
When it all comes crashing...

aaaaaahhhhhhh
Now we've got a big, big mess on our hands tonight
aaaaaahhhhhh
Now we've got a big, big, big, big,mess on our hands
On our hands

Don't give in, don't give up
I'll be gone
You don't look innocent enough
We're too young to be critics
We won't miss anything at all
Don't give in, don't give up
I don't look innocent
with this big, big mess on us
Say something else

Now we've got a big, big mess
A big, big mess
aaahhhhhhhhh
Now we've got a big, big mess on our hands tonight
aaaaahhhhhhh
Now we've got a big, big, mess on our hands tonight
aaaaahhhh
now we've got a big, big, mess on our hands tonight
On our hands

Don't give up, don't give in
I'll be gone
I don't look innocent enough
We're too young to be cynics
We won't wish any harm at all
Don't give in, don't give up
No one looks innocent
With this big, big mess on our hands tonight

When it all comes crashing

It's winter again...

Its winter again, a white washed and frozen sky…
I came to the door, eyes maladjusted from the light,
but your voice rang clear.

You said, “For all I thought I’d ever need,
its hard to face the holidays without.”
Well I’ve left my last message on your machine
Its hard to face the holidays when you’re looking for the words to say.

So you’ve found a friend. You spend all your cold nights with him,
but if i was there, then I’d wonder why you still wear my jacket closed
with traces of my scent.

I’d say, “For all I thought I’d ever need,
its hard to face the holidays without.”
Well I’ve left my last message on your machine
Its hard to face the holidays when you’re looking for the words to say.

So stay with me here. Nose to nose, cold enough to see as our breath slowly escapes and exchanges from my lungs to yours, from your mouth to mine.

For all I thought I’d ever need,
its hard to face the holidays without.
Well I’ve left my last message on your machine
it’s hard to face the holidays when you’re looking for the words to say.

When you’re looking for the words to say.

["maladjusted" is love]

optimism is the new cynicism

i'm too tired to go to sleep tonight

imettheacademyis. william beckett touchedmyarm. and we talked. about the economy, of all things.

okay, that was on friday the 14th (lucky day), so this is all a bit delayed. but the butterflies = still here. when i sat for my senior portrait the guy told me to smile genuinely, with my eyes. guess who i was thinking of.

i have so much work to do that i cannot even fathom how to begin. but i'll work it out, one way or another. because, really... this won't even amount to a micro-meter of anything in the end. instead of magnifying our problems and downplaying our happy moments, we should do the opposite. god knows we'll need some optimism if we're going to get through this "crisis" thing. and mr. obama... i hope you can bring it out in people.

awake is the new sleep

weird day

got a library fine of $26 today for returning a reserved book a few hours late. managed to talk my way out of it, mostly by looking whiny and sad.

some random guy stopped me as i was walking back home from the library. it went like this:
him: "hi, are you a smith student?"
me: "yes"
him: "may i ask, what nationality are you?"
me: "chinese"
him: "oh, can i ask you a question?"
me: "sure"
him: "have you ever heard gospel before or joined a church?"
me: "um... no, but i'm really not interested. thanks"

i didnt know there would be asian evangelicals on this particular college campus, of all places....


started running every day again ... it's really nice. it gives me some alone time away from people, which is nice. though my thighs are huge(er) now

everybody knows that you break your neck to keep your chin up

tell me i'm beautiful and i'll believe you one day

Self-centeredness

There was something about today. I think once you get into a certain "funk" it's hard to get out of it... for me, if I wake up in a bad mood it just spirals until something mood-changing happens (which is rare) or until the next day comes (which often doesn't cut it either).

I don't know what sparks this strange mood, which makes me want to stay under the covers all day and hide away from everybody and everything. Yes, it's all so emo until it's real. And then you end up feeling antisocial and crappy for having wasted so much time. And bad. I mean, do I even have any substantial problems compared to a lot of other people? Everything seems so minor when put into perspective, and yet when I apply my perspective to things this moodiness dominates and impedes upon any chance of happiness and productivity for the day. Maybe it's hormones or something, who knows. I did eat an awful lot of crap, then ended up watching Ugly Betty for a good part of the day.

Why do I have days like these?? I wish I had a time-turner so I could go back just two days and tell myself to stop being such a freak. I guess I'll have to try and make sure it doesn't happen again, but I'm really afraid it will.

Why marriage is not just a word

Found this article on the NY Times... Connecticut Ruling Overturns Ban on Same-Sex Marriage

I must admit, whenever this issue came up in high school, I never really understood the big deal about gay marriage (or same-sex. does gay only refer to male-male now?): I just didn't comprehend why two people would care so much about being labeled "married" versus "in a civil union" etc. And conversely, I didn't get why people would make it into such a big thing. Now I do.

e.x. - a lot of people argue that the Bible defines marriage as between a man and a woman. Thus, marriage cannot apply to 2 people of the same sex. The high school me probably would have said: who cares about what you call it... basically two people are living together, love each other, etc... (I would call it marriage, since they've created a family unit. But if that word offends you, fine... call it something else-- domestic partnership, whatever. As long as you are not actively trying to oppose those two people living together, it's fine).

But beyond the intangible issues inherent in the discussion (i.e. is the relationship between a man and a man/a woman and a woman "viable"? is the word "marriage" a sort of condoning on the part of society that they want?) --- I've since realized that the word marriage entails tangible things as well. All these Economics classes... I mean, on your tax return, writing "married" affects things; it affects your pension plan; it affects your retirement benefits and Social Security contributions; it affects your ability to adopt children; it affects your bequests and a lot more.

These days, marriage is not only a word that implies a deep loving relationship, but it is also a legal concept that changes the bureaucratic aspects of your life. This may seem painfully obvious to some people, but unfortunately it certainly was not to me just a few years ago.

So why do people oppose gay marriage, apart from the religious arguments? Let's try to bring some reason into this. Why would you be against two people of the same sex having the legal rights of husband and wife? Do people think same-sex couples are more frivolous than heterosexual couples and thus cannot be taken seriously when they say than want to marry? But we could pretty much shatter this argument to pieces by looking at the divorce rate in the U.S. : 50% percent of first marriages, 67% of second and 74% of third marriages end in divorce, according to Jennifer Baker of the Forest Institute of Professional Psychology in Springfield, Missouri. [http://www.divorcerate.org/]

yikes. I don't know... it's just weird to look at the non-religious aspects of this issue, since I usually only hear religious type arguments for why same-sex couples shouldn't marry.

[and to anybody who wants to bring up the separation of church and state argument, good luck. I've since been disillusioned-- the U.S. walks a fine line on that one, and I don't think I even buy it anymore...]

change in a glance

i thought i could change but it's not meant to be
old habits die hard but you pick up new ones like shattered glass, it stings but you can't help loving the shine.
now i'm deaf in one ear and my insides are ripping me apart
i keep hoping for that one glance that'll turn it around
but you're not the one, so i'll have to do it myself

i'd rather trust you than myself.

21st Birthday

Totally love the ability to be completely selfish without consequences on birthdays. It's something I haven't really exploited until today. Played the card of "but it's my birthday" a few times, it works well. Note to self -- use every year from now on.

Went apple picking in the morning. Ice Cream (free medium sundae). Boys Like Girls concert, where the lead singer repeatedly took sips from bottles of water and threw them into the audience. Then at the end he threw his sweaty towel into the audience. Two things:
1) He should have thrown something a little more.... valuable/hygenic (i.e. photo, autograph)?
2) Why did the girls fight over somebody's used water bottle/towel? Ew.

Then I thought back to my own BSB for life days. Okay, I wanted to get as close to them as possible, but
Was I really that asinine?

Feeling older (maybe a little wiser, definitely much meaner),
CZ

last week in paris

so much on my mind:

-i ate a disgusting number of chocolate bars. that after my nutella party with myself. ugh if it's not pms i dont know what it is

-got sick over the weekend (perhaps has to do with above)

-still have to finish up this mémoire de stage

-still have to pack like no other

-not that i really want to leave

-no, i really just want vacation instead of this limbo of paperwork and luggage and disaster papers and exams






but last night at the orchestra concert the violist musician smiled at me and it was a little bit okay. *sigh*

Dreams

It's like I'm not sleeping at all because I'm having these troubled dreams.

i'm so annoyed i don't know what to do

my usual "calm down" methods haven't worked on this one...
i've put savage garden's "crash and burn" on repeat for over an hour
i've run two laps around the jardin de luxembourg
i've eaten some chocolate
i've bought a really cute outfit from promod

but i still feel just so irritated. with this class.

all i have to say is that if a fucking theater course brings down my GPA significantly i will NOT stand for it. like, i refuse to get a C in the course. and if it comes to that i am seriously going to faire un scandale.

!!

~~

off to the catacombs. maybe looking at dead things/people will make me feel better.

Smith College

From http://www.newsweek.com/id/32225/page/4

Hottest Women's College
Smith College, Northampton, Mass.

With 2,800 students, Smith is the nation's largest women's college, and the first to start an engineering program. It is part of the Five Colleges consortium with nearby Mount Holyoke, Amherst, Hampshire and UMass Amherst. The facilities, particularly the cottage-style houses where students live in groups of 13 to 80, are so attractive that visitors originally preferring a coed college often change their minds. "Smith kind of won me over," says Katie Green, who thought she would go to a school with men. "When else in your life can you get the experience of being surrounded by smart, motivated young women who really care about what they're doing?"

AND

Apparently there are private men's liberal arts colleges. Still today. Which (kind of) nullifies Mr. Doesn't-a-women's-college-count-as-discrimination's arugment. Or at least adds to it a new dimension:

Hottest Men's College
Morehouse College, Atlanta, Ga.

Morehouse has long been known as an educator of black leaders like Martin Luther King Jr., Samuel L. Jackson and Spike Lee. But it may be equally important as an exemplar of single-sex education. With 3,000 students, it is the nation's largest private men's liberal-arts college. Recent grad Marcus Edwards calls the school "the No. 1 institution for black men." Goldman Sachs has just donated $2 million to endow a new leadership professor, and the Ray Charles Performing Arts Center is now going up.

[guess who suddenly has developed an interest in going to Georgia?]

Finally some "me" time

I had a dream that was completely in French Thursday night. It freaked me out.
I was at a lunch with a group of people, I don't exactly remember why but I think it was to celebrate the wedding/engagement of one of them. And there was conversation.
It was weird because it captured all of the awkwardness/pronunciation problems I have when I was talking in the dream, but when the others were talking, it was just normal.

I think this is my first real "French" dream. Weird... but cool.

~~

In other news, today I finally had a nice and relaxing day that was fun at the same time. After endless weekends of travels (Hamburg, Brussels, Normandy), this was much needed time. And no, I totally didn't do any work at all today, and I'm not about to start now. I'll worry about that tomorrow.

Waited in line to see the Marie Antoinette exposition at the Grand Palais with a fellow intern from work. The line was épouvantable (more than one hour's wait), and the ticket price assez cher (8 euros, and with our exchange rate at an all-time low, I don't even want to know how much that is in dollars), but honestly well worth it. I loved it -- the design of the exposition was impeccable, dividing Marie Antoinette's life into "3 actes" -- childish princess of Austria, admired dauphine of France, and finally detested queen. In one of the areas, the walls were covered in design paper that imitated the gardens of her estate at Versailles (the Trianon). That area led to a beautiful painting of the Temple of Love, another part of the Trianon. Whoever designed that exposition is a genius.
I didn't much care for Sophia Coppola's movie, but after seeing this exposition I kind of want to watch it again, if only for the beautiful costumes. (I still maintain, though, that Kirstin Dunst totally does not fit the role, even if she is ditzy enough)

The afternoon went by in a breeze. The fellow intern bought an electronic cigarette -- I didn't even think that was possible!! She showed it to me, and it looks like a very elegant pen. Apparently, there are cartridges that you load into the thing, which have the nicotine/tobacco in them. Except according to her, there are cartridges that don't have nicotine or tobacco. I was just confused... oh, well. Figures that the French would find a way around that pesky new law that says you can't smoke inside public spaces.
(It could almost donner moi l'envie de l'essayer une fois)

All of a sudden it was 8PM. She went home, very tired, and I was left to reflect on what fun things I could do on a Saturday night. Why, go to the Comédie Française, of course! They sell tickets at low, low prices (I had heard 5 euros) for students starting 1 hour before the start of each play. And that night Vie du grand dom Quichotte et du gros Sancho Pança was playing at 8:30 (I had marked it on my calendar -- tonight was opening night).

I'm a nerd, complètement nulle, totally agreed. So yeah, I went. But there were only 4 places left, and a line of definitely more than 4 people before me. The bells were ringing for curtain call, it was 8:20. I made some nice conversation with the German couple in front of me about the dismal state of our respective economies (you know, the whole "yeah, the U.S. economy is dying" "well, the European one isn't doing too well either" "how can you have one currency, one monetary policy for 13 countries?" "how can you have one for 50 states?"). Anyways, sadly for them and luckily for me, a woman walked up to me and told me she had one ticket that she would sell to me for 15euros instead of the full-price 20. No, it wasn't sketchy - she was with her beau frère and his wife, all nice, middle-aged, French family types. When I asked her why she didn't want it anymore, she said it was because they sent her 4 as a part of her abonnement.

So I bargained a little (10 euros instead of 15) and a few minutes later, there I was, in the theatre! Which is beautiful! And our seats (I say "our" because they were right next to me) weren't bad, either. 2ème balcon -- so up one level, but still full view of the stage.

Not to mention the play. Unlike the plays I've seen so far as part of that maudite (damned) theatre class, I would happily write a report on this play. I could watch it every week from now until the end of its run (in July) without losing interest. Maybe because I've read Don Quijote in the U.S. (as part of the best English class EVER, Western Classics in Translation) -- the play is a retelling of the events of volume II, which occurs after the events of volume I have been published and are already known. In other words, Don Quijote is already a "hero" in Spain because everyone's already read his adventures. Then this story begins. It's confusing, I know (try reading the entire thing).

Everything, from the puppets (yes, there were puppets, but not what you'd expect) to the stage decor to the acting and improvising (Mont Parnasse, bienvenuë), everything, was genius. It captured all the complexity of Don Quijote, even in translation (framing devices, romance/satire all in one) without being tacky. And the ending, with Sancho!! I loved it. If I had the time/money, I'd go watch it again.

It's experiences like this one that remind me of why I chose Paris. Nothing (and especially not a year staying at Smith) could compare. So if my GPA falls, so be it. (Okay, no, actually that's a lie. I'm not at that point yet, but I'm trying, I promise)

~~

On the metro on the ride back from Chatelet there was a bum with all these different puppets. I thought it was sort of cute until he looked at me a pulled out the Chinese puppet girl and made it say "ni hao" and I don't know what. All the while pointing it in my direction. That was awkward.

In the end, you can only laugh. Besides, he did call me a "jolie demoiselle." Rest assured, though, he didn't get a single piece of change from me.

Friendship is forever

Now vs. then.


They're all so skinny now, especially Ginger. Why do all the famous females just keep getting thinner and thinner?

Le temps qui glisse est un salaud

This semester feels like it's going by way too quickly, and I feel lost in the midst of it all. I guess I'll have to just take one day at a time, because if not I'll really get freaked out.

Yesterday was yuck. I was literally shaking with frustration in my Stats class after we receieved our exams. No, not so much because of the grade, but rather because of the illogical (in my view, anyways) of the grading method. I don't want to go into detail, but suffice it to say that the French, apparently, like to "suivre une certaine démarche" and don't really tolerate deviations, even if the end response turns out to be practically the same. But all in all, I didn't do too poorly:: 13.5 out of 20, which was better than the majority of the class I believe. But of course Smith has the wonderful conversion system, so that grade automatically becomes a B. I'll save my complaints about the inconvertibility of the French grades for another day.

Orchestra, last night. Our conductor had enlisted the help of a few people from the Conservatoire (like, real musicians). One of them, a viola player, was really something. The second chair violinist didn't show, and I found myself in the seat next to him. Oh, dear... how utterly painful and embarrassing. For me. I get so self-conscious around people like that, because I swear he was some kind of muscial genious/prodigy. (and for some reason I didn't get the imperssion he's a very humble guy, either)
So I played like a fourth-grader and it was just awkward. I didn't get the chords right during one part of Beethoven, and the conductor made the violins play it alone. I still mess it up. I'm pretty sure I heard a SHRILL LAUGH coming from the blond-haired violist next to me. Damn you, pretty boys who play string instruments like it's nothing. I didn't look at him the whole time (surprisingly easy considering I was right next to him) and talked to him only once at the very end when he was trying (unsuccessfully) to fold my stand, thinking it belonged to the orchestra. The conversation went like this:

He: *is folding it the wrong way*
Me: ça c'est à moi *fold it the right way*
Him: oh, bon.
Me: *try to show him how to fold the other part*
Him: *gives up* donc, reprends-le *gives it to me and walks away*

Yeah, lame I know. But we are all reduced to shy, awkward types some time or other. That's the definition of a real crush, I suppose -- somebody who you like because you 1-- admire him 2--think he's good-looking 3-- combination 1+2 or maybe 1 leads to 2 or vice versa. But in reality you know you wouldn't even go well together (music is his life, I know nothing about it, etc.). It's just fun imagining (oh now I really do sound like a grade schooler). In 7th grade I had a crush on this really popular guy. That crush was strictly a 1. But in any case I would get so shy around him, and if we had even the slightest exchange of words or gestures (i.e. he handed me the worksheets for English) I would think about it for hours on end.
I'd thought I'd moved past that stage. Apparently not. In any case, rest assured I will be practicing violin a LOT before rehearsal on Saturday.

===

Back to my theme of le temps (revenons à nos moutons, as they say). I agree with Carla Bruni's (I refuse to call her Sarkozy) sentiment. In the end of the day I wonder if I've accomplished what I had set out to accomplish at the beginning of the semester. Did I even have goals? Vague ones, but they've since changed. Making lots of French friends, for example. That didn't really happen...

Improving my French. Obviously it's improved, but to what extent? I feel stupid saying this, but since hearing my flatmate's objectives I realized that my level of Frence isn't nearly good enough. Could I work in an all-French environment? Could I carry on a decent conversation in French without reverting to English? Could I improve my horrendous accent?
I know I'm hard on myself, but really I want to be better. And I'm running out of time.

Why do we never learn?

It's really hard to change. And one day it's going to come back and bite me in the ass. The day is probably now.

Ever since the fourth grade (maybe even before that), I've had this issue about time management. Procrastination came quite easy to me, I don't know why. It's not like I had a bunch of friends that I played with all the time; mostly I just hung out in my room reading Sweet Valley Twins or Baby Sitters Club or even the parts in my textbook about Queen Elizabeth I and Sir Francis Drake; anything to escape doing actual work, really. I got Cs during these years of my life, and I wouldn't say I was okay with that, but it didn't completely throw me off. Tant mieux pour moi.

Everything changed in the summer before 7th grade, when I moved. At my new school, I felt like I belonged more, like I was sort of part of the "popular group" (although not really, but this school was much bigger and I didn't feel so isolated), and thus worked harder? I don't know if that makes any sense. Or maybe I was placed in the "special" classes because the teachers thought I was "challenged" after seeing my grades. In any case, whatever. That's when the "straight-A Christine" mentality was born.

Fuck it. I wish I could say that. Could really feel that. Fuck grades, damn GPA, screw it all, do what you like and say fuck you to the rest as they said in Little Miss Sunshine. Well, I can't. The truth is, there's some little miss Asian mentality in me that'll always want to succeed, that wants that 4.0 more than anything else. How the hell do you think I pulled through that torturous first year of college and not much better second year with a freaking 3.95 GPA?

It was my safety net, something I knew would always be there for me, while others worried about their whether or not they could submit their resume for so-and-so company because their GPA was lower than 3.7. Not me.

But now it's all crumbling and I'm freaking out. And a lot of it (okay 98% probably) is my fault. I don't work hard enough here in Paris. Sure, I'm having the time of my life the majority of the time, but I'm not on fucking vacation. I'm here to study. To work. This is actually a year abroad. One that's going to make a major dent in my perfect little transcript. And no, I'm not okay.

And yet, somehow, I can't seem to get myself to work more. To stop procrastinating. To actually sit down and get things done. I woke up to freaking 'stomach ulcers' today but we all know it's just stress and guilt weighing me down. Finishing up a written critique of a play and preparing for an exposé in the morning while you're feeling like you'd really rather just curl up and disintegrate is not good. Why didn't I start earlier? Things could have been so different, I could have gotten a good grade.

The last grade I got was a 13. Out of 20. Which roughly translates to a B-. FUCK. I should have worked harder, then, on my next assignment. And what do I do? Procrastinate until the last minute and do a shitty job on both the exposé and the paper. Get your act together, Christine, or you're really going to fuck up everything.

Getting good grades is a way of self-gratification, of feeling like you are better than somebody even when you're not necessarily smarter. When you've worked harder. Or not. And get a higher grade.

I've been trying to change, but in the end, I guess our director is right. I do care too much about my GPA. Why? Because I'm not interesting enough of a person to have any substance without it.

New things (nouvelles choses)

Happy Saint Patrick's Day!!!

I feel like I've been on nonstop mode since last week and it's not necessarily a bad thing. Got to be a tour guide and find my inner Monica when Justine was here. I am an OCD neurotic crazy freak at heart, it's nice to find that that's appreciated sometimes. There are plenty more people coming, so I'll have lots of fun embracing this side of me in the coming weeks.

A few updates on ma vie:

-orchestra rehearsal at the Opera Bastille last Saturday was merde. I was just angsty the whole time because I was so tired and since I had had no time to practice since that Tuesday. The conductor needs to realize that these Saturday rehearsals don't do shit, and that sometimes it's better to give people some time to themselves than to try to force something on them. I know the other players must not think much of me - I can't play that well (I'm probably the worst second violin) and my French is heavily accented (the last blog I posted is, I suppose, at testament to that fact). And I know I should practice and work double to make up for this, but the fact is I feel no motivation.

-After orchestra rehearsal a bunch of us were walking into the Bastille metro when Diane (a first violinist, a really nice and very stylish Sciences Po student) suggested we should take out our instruments and stands and play in the station. Why not? I know I was frustrated enough to do something crazy like that. So we did Handel and Beethoven. Total earnings: 30 something euros in about 45 minutes. Not bad at all. Not to mention I'm probably in about 50 people's random photos/home movies. I'd never done that before, but there's something nice about playing in public where people can hear you. I might do that this summer when I'm in NYC, though I'm definitely not asking for any money... me by myself is basically boo-worthy.

-That same Saturday night I had to get to a play near the other opera, Opera Garnier. On the metro on my way there, I sat by the door. A few stations before I had to get off, there was an elderly man, in his late 50s I would say, standing outside who was trying to get the door open but had not succeeded. As this had happened to me the first time I rode the line 4 (though I was on the inside getting out), I decided to help him by pushing the button from the inside (stupid non-automatic doors). He sat next to me, reading the New York Times. He asked me if I recognized a few Chinese characters in a picture of Tibetan monks protesting the Beijing Olympics. I named a few for him. Then he asked me if I spoke Mandarin fluently.

That should have been a warning sign -- no Parisian person is that nice/conversational, especially not in the metro.

He got off at the same station as me (though I wonder now if not deliberately) and insisted on helping me find the theatre where I had to go even though he himself got a bit lost along the way. I was stressed out about getting there on time since the piece (Ionesco) was for a class and I had to write something on it after seeing it. He made conversation, and I revealed more details about myself than I probably should have (i.e. the city where I'm from in China, where I live in the U.S., where I go to college, etc.) without even noticing it. He asked me if I'd ever gone to see an opera in Paris or the Comedie Francaise. I said no. He said "cela me ferait plair de vous inviter voir un opera ou un spectacle avec moi un soir" -- " it would be my pleasure to invite you to an opera or to a play one evening."

Okay, in hindsight I know I should have walked fast in the other direction. But actually that sounded like a good deal for me -- accompany an elderly man to a show, get to see it for free. I honestly didn't realize the ulterior motives in that sentence. I don't know if it's reassuring or devastating to know that I can still be so naive sometimes.

We set a rendez-vous at the Cafe de Flore for the next evening. En gros:
it was awkward. he kept trying to put his hand on my knee/hold my hand the whole time. his arm slid around my shoulder. i moved. this happened several times until he actually remarked on my distancing myself from him. i said nothing. i refused the wine he offered me and told him i'd already ate, which was true.

here's what i learned about him (if it was true):
his name is charles. he was a professor of physics at some university in paris. he's traveled all over the world and has friends everywhere in paris. he's taught at mit. he's met nelson mandela and the dalai lama and jean-paul sartre and simone de beauvoir, among others. he is originally from Prague and thus has a Czech accent.

we met a lady of Russian origin who sat at the table next to us and who makes documentaries about the sciences. She was fascinated by him (either that or she wanted to save me from him, which if the case I really appreciated). she made a joke in the beginning about nabokov being from the czech republic. ew.

in any case, the lolita to this old man i was not. we parted and i don't think i will be seeing him again. i still don't fully understand his motives (he couldn't really have thought i was THAT easy, could he?).

-----------------

-I decided to do the Nike+iPod challenge at Paris VII, which is turning out to be really cool. I got a pair of Nike+ shoes that have a sensor and that hook up to my iPod to record the miles, calories, etc. I've run. The top 15 get to participate in a university-wide challenge, apparently, with the prize being the shoes and the kit. My question is this -- what are they going to do with the shoes we've already worn? I have to say, though, despite all the human-rights violations Nike was (is?) criticized for, they've come up with and executed an excellent idea.

The funny thing is, I wasn't even going to do this challenge after I'd signed up for it on a whim ("Oh, I'll get to run more! I'll lose some pounds, motivate myself ..." ). Come Sunday morning (when I was supposed to pick up the shoes from the campus rep, I was wayyy too tired from the play Saturday night to even think about waking up. But the campus rep called me. Several times. And left a message. So I thought it'd be only polite to respond. A phone call later and I'd said I'd be there (there meaning the 13th, which is damn far) in 30mins. 30mins later and I'm still in the metro at Chatelet, which is like practically only halfway there (to be fair, I was in my PJs when I had called).

Anyway, I finally arrive and am very apologetic, especially when I see that this campus rep is actually pretty cute. Of course I am quite frazzled (note: I had not slept particularly well all that week) and just take the shoes and leave, basically. He looked me up and down (I was wearing my Coach meadow boots) when I got there, hopefully in an approving manner. Afterwards it occurred to me that it would have been nice of me to invite him for a coffee or something (after all, he was just there with his car waiting for people, or maybe not, I don't know... he must have been tired after spending the whole morning giving out shoes and repeating the same speech). Drat.

I sent him an e-mail today, basically apologizing again and asking him out to coffee sometime. I'm pathetic, really, I know. No response as of yet. He must be really confused and/or taken aback (after all, in France asking people out to coffee is usually the guy's job, and it usually means a date, which I guess is the message I wanted to get across). Crap. I am just hopeless. Oh, well, life is short and I guess we'll see what happens. But still, rejection (even by e-mail) hurts just a little.

-----------------

Going to play violin at the Institut National des Jeunes Aveugles (National Institute of Young Blind People... okay that's not the right translation but close enough) tomorrow night. I'm glad I get to do this-- the pieces are easy enough if I've practiced enough (a movement from Handel's Messiah and Laudate Dominum by Mozart), and it'll be nice to be appreciated as a violin player for once. Reminds me of Nathalie Portman's little vignette in Paris, je t'aime. Maybe I'll find a cute blind Romeo (god what is wrong with me)

I'm off to wash up and sleep -- just got back from Erica's birthday/St. Patrick's Day celebration at an Irish pub in the 6th close to chez moi. It was nice, but I realized that I can be quite awkward at times and that my French still has a looong way to go. And when her boyfriend asked me "tu as un amoreux dans ta vie?" [bascially, do you have a boyfriend] i don't know why i couldn't just answer in the negative.

Feeling cynical about France

I want to preface this by saying that, in general, I love my year abroad in Paris and I really wouldn't have it any other way. I could not imagine staying at Smith for my junior year.

But some days/weeks are trying. This is one of them.

I am taking a course called "Théâtre à Paris", in which we read the texts of plays and then go to watch the productions. It's a great course because I know that I'd never take advantage of the many plays here otherwise.

The professor, on the other hand, is not so great. He corrects our grammatical/syntactical faults constantly, even sometimes while we are giving a presentation. I understand that some professors like to interrupt a presentation to ask questions, that's fine, but to correct our language skills? I find that more than a little bit annoying, because it's very difficult to finish up your thoughts after that. If the interruption actually has to do with the subject matter of the course, then it's fine. However, if it's something banal like "you should have added '-ons' to that verb conjugation" it gets old, fast. Not to mention it wastes time.

He needs to understand that we're there to learn about theater, not phonetics. Sure, a phonetics course would be useful, but we're not taking one. I appreciate that he wants us to pronounce things correctly, but I don't appreciate that he takes too much of class time doing so, straying from the real topic at hand. Besides, correction should be done politely and tastefully, without snide commentary like "How can you not know this after months of being in Paris? This should come naturally to you!"

Speaking of which, he addresses each of us using the "tu" form, which is the informal form of "you." Normally, I don't mind this, but it's not typical for a professor and with him it's starting to sound more and more condescending. ("Prononce-le bien!" "Pourquoi tu prononces le 's'?")

He asked me to read a text out loud today. By the end of it, I almost cried. "Mais tu prononces toujours la fin des mots où il ne le faut pas! Pense à ne pas le faire!!" [But you pronounce always the endings of words where you shouldn't do so! Think about not doing that!!] --- He could have said the same thing in a more polite tone of voice... the way he said it made me feel as if I was so dumb, as if I could just think about not doing that, as if I was so lazy for not simply taking the time to think about it.

Not just that, but he also started to bang his hand on the desk and occasionally yell "non" every time I did pronounce something wrong. Return to primary school, anybody?

I don't think he succeeded in making me want to pronounce things better; if anything, he's pretty much diminished my self-esteem and made me really not want to say anything to him ever again.

Oh, and one more thing: the entire class is composed of Smith College students. And he's apparently been teaching it for many years. I'm not saying that he should be used to it by now, but rather that he should have learned to correct our stupid, annoying American accents in a less outdated fashion. And if they annoy him so much that he can't stand correcting them politely and without his little rants, then he should think about teaching elsewhere.

Everybody needs to sin a little

VATICAN CITY (Reuters) - Thou shall not pollute the Earth. Thou shall beware genetic manipulation. Modern times bring with them modern sins. So the Vatican has told the faithful that they should be aware of "new" sins such as causing environmental blight.
The guidance came at the weekend when Archbishop Gianfranco Girotti, the Vatican's number two man in the sometimes murky area of sins and penance, spoke of modern evils.

~

We're all going to Hell then, I suppose. Seriously, I'd like to think this declaration would make a littel bit of a difference in the world, but I really don't know. I mean, how much power does the Vatican hold over people's lives these days, anyways? Catholics have committed far greater "sins" over the years than forgetting to recycle. No matter how well-intentioned the guidance, I can't help but to think the Catholic Church just wants people to sin. Repentance and hail Mary and all that ... After all, can't do the time without doing the crime, eh?