It's really hard to change. And one day it's going to come back and bite me in the ass. The day is probably now.
Ever since the fourth grade (maybe even before that), I've had this issue about time management. Procrastination came quite easy to me, I don't know why. It's not like I had a bunch of friends that I played with all the time; mostly I just hung out in my room reading Sweet Valley Twins or Baby Sitters Club or even the parts in my textbook about Queen Elizabeth I and Sir Francis Drake; anything to escape doing actual work, really. I got Cs during these years of my life, and I wouldn't say I was okay with that, but it didn't completely throw me off. Tant mieux pour moi.
Everything changed in the summer before 7th grade, when I moved. At my new school, I felt like I belonged more, like I was sort of part of the "popular group" (although not really, but this school was much bigger and I didn't feel so isolated), and thus worked harder? I don't know if that makes any sense. Or maybe I was placed in the "special" classes because the teachers thought I was "challenged" after seeing my grades. In any case, whatever. That's when the "straight-A Christine" mentality was born.
Fuck it. I wish I could say that. Could really feel that. Fuck grades, damn GPA, screw it all, do what you like and say fuck you to the rest as they said in Little Miss Sunshine. Well, I can't. The truth is, there's some little miss Asian mentality in me that'll always want to succeed, that wants that 4.0 more than anything else. How the hell do you think I pulled through that torturous first year of college and not much better second year with a freaking 3.95 GPA?
It was my safety net, something I knew would always be there for me, while others worried about their whether or not they could submit their resume for so-and-so company because their GPA was lower than 3.7. Not me.
But now it's all crumbling and I'm freaking out. And a lot of it (okay 98% probably) is my fault. I don't work hard enough here in Paris. Sure, I'm having the time of my life the majority of the time, but I'm not on fucking vacation. I'm here to study. To work. This is actually a year abroad. One that's going to make a major dent in my perfect little transcript. And no, I'm not okay.
And yet, somehow, I can't seem to get myself to work more. To stop procrastinating. To actually sit down and get things done. I woke up to freaking 'stomach ulcers' today but we all know it's just stress and guilt weighing me down. Finishing up a written critique of a play and preparing for an exposé in the morning while you're feeling like you'd really rather just curl up and disintegrate is not good. Why didn't I start earlier? Things could have been so different, I could have gotten a good grade.
The last grade I got was a 13. Out of 20. Which roughly translates to a B-. FUCK. I should have worked harder, then, on my next assignment. And what do I do? Procrastinate until the last minute and do a shitty job on both the exposé and the paper. Get your act together, Christine, or you're really going to fuck up everything.
Getting good grades is a way of self-gratification, of feeling like you are better than somebody even when you're not necessarily smarter. When you've worked harder. Or not. And get a higher grade.
I've been trying to change, but in the end, I guess our director is right. I do care too much about my GPA. Why? Because I'm not interesting enough of a person to have any substance without it.
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