This semester feels like it's going by way too quickly, and I feel lost in the midst of it all. I guess I'll have to just take one day at a time, because if not I'll really get freaked out.
Yesterday was yuck. I was literally shaking with frustration in my Stats class after we receieved our exams. No, not so much because of the grade, but rather because of the illogical (in my view, anyways) of the grading method. I don't want to go into detail, but suffice it to say that the French, apparently, like to "suivre une certaine démarche" and don't really tolerate deviations, even if the end response turns out to be practically the same. But all in all, I didn't do too poorly:: 13.5 out of 20, which was better than the majority of the class I believe. But of course Smith has the wonderful conversion system, so that grade automatically becomes a B. I'll save my complaints about the inconvertibility of the French grades for another day.
Orchestra, last night. Our conductor had enlisted the help of a few people from the Conservatoire (like, real musicians). One of them, a viola player, was really something. The second chair violinist didn't show, and I found myself in the seat next to him. Oh, dear... how utterly painful and embarrassing. For me. I get so self-conscious around people like that, because I swear he was some kind of muscial genious/prodigy. (and for some reason I didn't get the imperssion he's a very humble guy, either)
So I played like a fourth-grader and it was just awkward. I didn't get the chords right during one part of Beethoven, and the conductor made the violins play it alone. I still mess it up. I'm pretty sure I heard a SHRILL LAUGH coming from the blond-haired violist next to me. Damn you, pretty boys who play string instruments like it's nothing. I didn't look at him the whole time (surprisingly easy considering I was right next to him) and talked to him only once at the very end when he was trying (unsuccessfully) to fold my stand, thinking it belonged to the orchestra. The conversation went like this:
He: *is folding it the wrong way*
Me: ça c'est à moi *fold it the right way*
Him: oh, bon.
Me: *try to show him how to fold the other part*
Him: *gives up* donc, reprends-le *gives it to me and walks away*
Yeah, lame I know. But we are all reduced to shy, awkward types some time or other. That's the definition of a real crush, I suppose -- somebody who you like because you 1-- admire him 2--think he's good-looking 3-- combination 1+2 or maybe 1 leads to 2 or vice versa. But in reality you know you wouldn't even go well together (music is his life, I know nothing about it, etc.). It's just fun imagining (oh now I really do sound like a grade schooler). In 7th grade I had a crush on this really popular guy. That crush was strictly a 1. But in any case I would get so shy around him, and if we had even the slightest exchange of words or gestures (i.e. he handed me the worksheets for English) I would think about it for hours on end.
I'd thought I'd moved past that stage. Apparently not. In any case, rest assured I will be practicing violin a LOT before rehearsal on Saturday.
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Back to my theme of le temps (revenons à nos moutons, as they say). I agree with Carla Bruni's (I refuse to call her Sarkozy) sentiment. In the end of the day I wonder if I've accomplished what I had set out to accomplish at the beginning of the semester. Did I even have goals? Vague ones, but they've since changed. Making lots of French friends, for example. That didn't really happen...
Improving my French. Obviously it's improved, but to what extent? I feel stupid saying this, but since hearing my flatmate's objectives I realized that my level of Frence isn't nearly good enough. Could I work in an all-French environment? Could I carry on a decent conversation in French without reverting to English? Could I improve my horrendous accent?
I know I'm hard on myself, but really I want to be better. And I'm running out of time.
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