happiness and sadness

some people say that true happiness doesn't exist, which is interesting, since nobody i know says the same about sadness. but shouldn't it be parallel, kind of like good and evil / light and dark -- belief in one necessitates belief in the other?

i think happiness is fleeting, whereas sadness is palpable. when i am sad, i can see the tears, or even if i don't cry, i can sense this immense pressure as if i am imploding into myself and all i want to do, all i can do, is disappear for a while in order to re-emerge intact. and in these moments of sadness i actually feel something. even if it is something horrible.

moments of happiness -- true happiness, beyond contentedness -- are so hard to pinpoint and so easily forgotten that i am hard pressed to describe the feeling.

~

sure, i could just chalk it up to hormones or a general dissatisfaction with the way things are going right now, but i actually don't think these moments will ever go away.

#2

People say that hindsight is 20/20. I say that hindsight is a bitch -- and so is its not-so-distant cousin, regret.

We all make choices based on imperfect information. Rarely do the consequences of these choices turn out exactly as predicted. When the consequences are unfavorable for us, our friends hindsight and regret come into play. "I am unhappy now as a result of choice A. If I had chosen choice B, I would be ____ (1000x happier, healthier, whatever... insert various nice things here). Why didn't I choose B? I am so stupid / horrible etc etc etc"

Stop right there. Because isn't regret itself based on highly imperfect information? How do you know how the world would have turned out had you gone down the path of B? There is so much uncertainty in this re-envisioning of life that it merits its own verb tense -- the conditional.

Instead of focusing the "coulds" and "woulds" that B offer (which is tempting), it is better to come to terms with the fact that we chose A and to deal with the resulting (negative) feelings from that initial choice. Better to deal with the fallout of the present and look towards the future than to wallow in the past.

Easier said than done, of course. Most of the time I wish I were in a different time and world. I wish I were younger, or brighter, or prettier. More outgoing, more optimistic, more excited and passionate, less envious ... But now I am venturing into another dangerous verb tense -- the subjunctive.

Why can't I just stay in the indicative and know what the hell I am actually doing???

#1

i just found out there's no such thing as the real world, it's just a lie we have to rise above -- john mayer

corporate america. the office. cubicle life. computer screens and fluorescent lights. coffee machines and microwaveable lunches. this is the "real world." this is what college did or did not prepare me for, what i am so lucky to have in a country with 10% unemployment, what i do dans la vie, (si jamais tu me poses la question). this is my real world. what's yours?

and how do we rise above?

James Franco <3

James Franco is at NYU this semester. Apparently taking a class on Queer Cinema 101.

What I would give to have a class with him...

Although according to a comment on the site, "Even when James Franco is registered for a class, he doesn’t necessarily show up. And when he does show up, he’s an hour late, and he sits in the corner and scribbles illegible, emphatic notes while everyone stares at him as though he might spontaneously combust or turn into a rabbit at any given moment."

Yeah, that sounds about right.

on me dit que le temps qui glisse est un salaud - carla bruni

I don't like staying in one place. I get antsy for a change, a break in the routine. I'm sitting here in bed, listening to French music, wondering why I didn't follow in the footsteps of a ton of my college friends and move to Paris or Geneva. And then I remember that I got antsy in Paris, too. While there, I wrote la nouveauté d'un endroit s'en va toujours a few days before I returned to the States. As much as I loved Paris, for me it has always been New York. Because what does New York have if not nouveauté?

Now I'm at the last dredges of the summer slump. Making plans to break plans. Staying at home and doing nothing at all. At least I'll be out of here soon. This time I refuse to relegate my feelings to the territory of emo "need to escape" angst. How weird is it that I think my feelings are marginalized when someone tells me that other people/groups/movements have felt/are feeling exactly the same way? Sometimes I don't want my life to relate exactly to that song or that poem or that book. You are not alone. But sometimes I want to be.

Cleaning/packing

Cleaning house can be really painful sometimes, because looking back on certain things bring back memories that I'd rather let sit on the shelves for a while.

But it can also be kind of amusing. In a dark way. Something I wrote in a notebook a long time ago while attending a conference:

"58% of intellectual capital around the globe comes from women"

A statistic I no doubt thought was cool at the time, but that I find completely non-nonsensical now (my less sophisticated response while reading it -- "WTF?!"). How do you even measure something as intangible as "intellectual capital," anyways? Doesn't each company define it differently? And even if you could create a common definition (which I guess does sort of exist), how could you quantify it? For the world, no less!

And what about survey biases? Blanket statements like the one above kind of bother me. Not that I'm a statistics snob, but I don't like people trying to make themselves sound progressive with strange statistics that don't really mean anything in the end. I guess that's politics, though.

Sleeping more

This is slightly paradoxical, considering the time-stamp on this blog, but I've decided I need to drastically change my sleep habits.

1 Simple Goal -
7 hours per night. At least, on weeknights.

Reasoning -
Too many late nights in college have messed up my sleep schedule. I don't think I can expect to sleep at 2am and wake up on time for work. Also, I don't want my life span to be shortened because I hvae shitty sleeping habits. That's just not worth it. Good health = good sleep. I think.

Screw all my non-realized goals for this summer. It's now just over a month before I have to start work, and this is all I hope to accomplish. I think it's do-able.

So good night, and wish me good luck (and sweet dreams) :-D