"well you can do anything, but lay off of my blue suede shoes"

The King knows what he's talking about.

It's like this shoe was made for me. Deep blue and red in perfect harmony. Deep blue, having been "my" color of 2010, and red, on its way to becoming my color for 2011 as Chinese New Year approaches and the requisite traditional preparations for good fortune become doubly significant in the Rabbit year.

$735. " 'cause we are living in a Material World..."

I'm not on the "cool list" ... never have been

I don't go to clubs in NYC. Or anywhere really. Why is it that they are practically the only places left in the modern day U.S. that can openly practice discrimination as long as they call it a "door policy"? And I don't mean clubs that refuse entry because you're wearing sneakers or because your date doesn't have a suit jacket on. You can always put on a pair of heels or whatever and go back. I mean places that leave the "right" of entry to the "bouncer's discretion," places where how you look (physical appearance) and who you know are the only two things that matter.

The Eldridge on the LES embodies everything about this stupid scene. A friend and I went to this super exclusive club because a band we like a lot was hosting an after-party there. We did not get in, even while a group of girls right before us did. I wasn't expecting to get into the place -- I had read the yelp reviews, after all -- but the whole experience made me feel pretty crappy. Inevitably I wondered, "why didn't I get in? were those girls prettier / skinnier / cooler than me and thus better than me in some way?" I know that these sorts of places thrive on playing on people's insecurities in precisely this way, but at the same time, I can't help but fall into the trap.

It all stems from the superiority that people feel when they get to be part of the elite. I was never popular in high school / middle school / ever, so I have always tried to be inclusive to everybody because I don't want somebody to feel the sense of rejection and inadequacy I did for so long. The owner of The Eldridge obviously doesn't feel the same.

Yes, I would have felt differently had we gotten into the place. Yes, it's hypocritical that I still want validation from these douches. But it makes sense- like I said, nobody wants to feel like they're rejected, particularly because the reason is something like "you don't look cute enough" or "you don't know [insert somewhat famous person here]."

So folks, if you want to see legal discrimination practiced in public practically every night, hang out at Eldridge and Stanton. Or you could grab a truffle mac & cheese from Spitzer's or a burger from Mikey's Burger nearby and actually have an enjoyable night on the LES.

I'm running a half marathon. Trying to do something useful.

This time last year, I was a young, bright-eyed girl looking for adventure after graduating from college and before entering the ranks of the full-time employed. I traveled to Chicago, to Edinburgh, to London, to Paris (on a wonderful weekend whim), and to San Francisco -- not looking to "find myself" or anything in particular, but rather just to have some fun.

It seems so long ago. I wish I acted the (young) age I am instead of the jaded and cynical person I have allowed myself to become. Wait -- I just realized I wrote I wish I acted. But acting isn't believing... is it? I just wish I had more fun.

~~~

Enough sad talk; onto cooler things. Like a half marathon. THIRTEEN miles. Me and myself. And everyone else racing on behalf of the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. It's really exciting and (dare I say it) even kind of fun training for it so far. I can't wait to cross that finish line on October 2nd. No matter what happens I will have contributed to this great cause.

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everybody *loves* china

it's like a weird fad. every other cover story in the economist is about china. my company's latest internal newsletter was entitled "the year of the tiger" (asian tiger economies ... get it? i'm sure they think they're clever).

maybe i should feel vindicated in some way. the same kids who made fun of me in middle school for having "slanted eyes" are probably pretty surprised their old school now offers mandarin...

everybody wants to "capitalize on the market trend." they go where the money is. no, it doesn't give me a sense of vindication or even bitter retribution.

it just makes me that much more cynical.

si je n'avais pas besoin de l'argent ou bien le sentiment d'être indépendante .....

chaque jour est un cirque d'enfer. j'ai envie de m'enfuir.

comment refait-on une vie entière? peut-être je sais déjà. peut-être c'est seulement le courage qui n'est pas là.

merde.

Hibernation and The Times

This might be extremely unhealthy, but from time to time I need weekends like this one where I just lay on my bed and surf the web while I'm munching on chocolate for hours on end. I love the internet and its ability to make me forget about my day-to-day crap, at least for a while.

Moving on... let's rant a little, shall we?

I just read an article by J.K. Rowling that appeared in The Times UK on Wednesday entitled "The Single Mother's Manifesto." In it, she criticizes David Cameron and the Conservative Party for their proposed changes to British welfare policies.

I am not going to pretend to know anything about the Labour / Tory divide in the UK government; ignorant as I am, I had no idea that 2010 was even an election year in Britain! So I won't comment on her article other than to say I enjoyed her elegant writing style, though it seemed a bit literary for a newspaper editorial.

I will, however, comment on the comments to the article. I would expect readers' opinions to be somewhat informed or, at the very least, not to read like the non-sensical (and at times disturbingly violent) YouTube comments I come across. Not so...

A sampling:

connie waterman wrote:

I will never buy another book by J.K. Rowling! She wasn't a single mother, she was a divorce woman. There is a difference. Get real. She worked hard for what she has and she wants to vote for people who will take everything she has if given the chance.

There is no room in this world nor any common sense logic to voting for liberal policies. They enslave people and only care about power. Don't vote the socialists into power. Daniel Hannan needs to be your Prime Minister.

To Connie:

1. Why wouldn't you buy another book by her? True, it is often difficult to separate the artist from the art. And obviously JKR is using her "star power" here to call attention to the issue. But this first sentence is an unnecessary threat / attack that cowardly appeals to other JKR/HP haters looking for any excuse to bash.

2. "She wasn't a single mother, she was a divorce [sic] woman." You do understand she was referring to Cameron's policies on single family homes, right? Funnily enough, those can come about in a variety of ways -- pregnancy sans marriage, death of partner / spouse, and, oh yeah, divorce. I am guessing you only thought of the first, which is a common stereotype / misconception that, if you actually read the article, you'd see she actually addresses.

3. "She worked hard for what she has and she wants to vote for people who will take everything she has" -- so now you are praising her work ethic? Yes, she did work hard, but she also mentions, "I am indebted to the British welfare state" and that, without it, she could not have achieved her successes. You can and should debate whether or not this one story justifies an entire political campaign, but you are missing the point by implying she is stupid or illogical for wanting others to receive the same welfare "safety net" offered to single parents in her day. (Unlike Lord Ashcroft, she is willing to pay taxes on her salary).

Hope Streeter wrote (emphasis added):

Boy, you'd think after becoming a mulit-squillionaire on her own merits she'd let go of some of her hard-warn bitterness and resentment, no? It must be burdensome walking around with that rather large chip on your shoulder. The point of Tory plans is to break the cycle of entitlement and teenage pregnancy. Surely JK you are intelligent enough to recognise such Tory policies were NOT indeed aimed at you, a hard working single mum who only through hard graft and sheer determination made your own success story, (NOT rather from gov't handouts). You are the exception to prove the rule, surely you know this?

To Hope:

see #3 of my response to Connie. JKR may or may not have been "the exception to the rule" re: single parents (her story is remarkable in the rags-to-riches way), but the fact remains that she "was a single parent with a four-year-old daughter, teaching part-time but living mainly on benefits." That's right "benefits," which I guess you could call "gov't handouts."

People liken JKR's experiences to the American Dream, and to some extent, I agree, but I also find it kind of ironic. She is the first to admit she completed HP1 while on welfare (it was only after this that she tried getting certification for teaching). "Hard graft and sheer determination" do not a salary make.

Hope, you need to re-read the article and see what she's actually arguing for.

Nick Draper wrote:

Ah yes, multi-millionaire, best selling author JK Rowling. Truly the voice of average single mothers everywhere.

John Collins wrote:

Chin up Joanne, those kids books you wrote did quite well in the end :)

rog scott wrote:

Well for someone who was clearly on SOMETHING when she wrote the HP stuff and is now a CHAMPAGNE socialist
this seemed a well balanced article.
She clearly has a chip om BOTH shoulders

To Nick and John:

Your feeble attempt at a clever, one-line response do not obscure the fact that you didn't read the article. Try to make some sense if you decide to post a real response.

To Rog:

I like the "champagne socialist" term... kind of like bourgeois bohème. Not really getting your punch line... this goes for everyone who claim she is so "bitter" with that "chip on her shoulder." So what you're saying is that she should be thankful for what she has and never look back for others? Well, that might upset the following people:

R B wrote:

Ms Rowling, what have you done personally to assist these demonised people? You have made a fortune writing books of mass appeal, perhaps now you should give back to the people who have made you so rich.

Nigel Meek wrote:

As a Champagne Socialist, your views are of no concern to those of us who have to live in the real world.

Either do something constructive with your mega millions, (thereby allowing us mere mortals to keep just a little more of our hard earned), to help the feckless waistrels your kind so admire, or go away and shut up.

A S Still wrote:

Brazen hypocrisy born of a chip on the shoulder.

I'm curious, Ms Rowling, how much of your money are you giving to single parents? Surely if you believe what you've written so strongly then you've given most of your fortune to help those less fortunate than you?

Wonderful, a multi-millionaire telling me I should be spending more of my pittance on tax for single mothers.

Why is it that so many rich Labour supporters lecture me on how we should all look after each other whilst keeping their money and living in luxury far from the 'something for nothing' brigade and their antisocial behaviour that ordinary mortals have to live with.

Keith Welton wrote:

If J. K. Rowling wishes that single mothers receive help I suggest she pay for it out of her huge income from overcharging for her work as an author. I suspect the percentage of her total income that she pays in tax is less than someone on below average income due to council tax, petrol tax, car duty, alcohol tax, tobacco tax, etc.

To R and Nigel and A S and Keith and any of you idiots who don't know the meaning of "research before you make FALSE accusations":

1. She wrote this article to draw attention to the issue, which it has. Though (I think) for the wrong reasons.

2. She is the President of One Parent Families, aka Gingerbread. She mentions the organization by name in the article. She has donated and continues to donate millions to this and other organizations to help single parent families. The Times and / or JKR could have been more clear about her involvement to avoid callous, uninformed comments like yours.

On the other hand, in the time it took for you to type up your question and rude commentary, you could have done a simple search for her name. Remember how the internet and gives you the ability to access tons information?? Use it. And try not to be so self-righteous, especially when you really have no idea what you're talking about. Or do you enjoy being ignorant in your anger?

I will end with the most worrying comment(s) of all:

V Keane wrote:

I've never bought a JK Rowling book and now she reminds me why.

Stephen Fryer wrote:

I've never read J. K. Rowlings books before now..and she keeps reminding me why.

Roberto Gonzo wrote:

I have never read J K Rowling's books before...and with all this political pontificating she's doing, she keeps reminding me why.

To V and/or Stephen / Roberto:

Like the majority of your fellow posters, you miss the point. At least they contributed something of substance to the argument.

I really hope that was one pathetic person posting as three. I hate that her writing this article would somehow reflect poorly on the Harry Potter series (see also: Connie). It's not like HP is some giant socialist manifesto... (of course, the Pope once thought its roots were satanic, but that's a different story). I feel like her writing this has polarized HP for many people, which is not only ignorant and unfair, but also deeply upsetting.

On the other hand, there are those like Hope and Rog who seem to praise her talent, while berating her for her views, calling her "bitter." Why should she care about poor single mothers when she is now neither poor nor single? But those like Nigel et al. want her to do more for the issue. Because obviously she needs to just give everything to single families, her own children be damned. That's like saying everybody who laments poverty should turn into Mother Theresa.

I know she can't win either way, and she chose to come out and voice her opinion, for her own reasons, I am sure (she does support the Labour Party, after all), but I really expected more debate about the actual issue and more thoughtful comments.

Ah, well. It was fun ranting about something other than myself for a while.

happiness and sadness

some people say that true happiness doesn't exist, which is interesting, since nobody i know says the same about sadness. but shouldn't it be parallel, kind of like good and evil / light and dark -- belief in one necessitates belief in the other?

i think happiness is fleeting, whereas sadness is palpable. when i am sad, i can see the tears, or even if i don't cry, i can sense this immense pressure as if i am imploding into myself and all i want to do, all i can do, is disappear for a while in order to re-emerge intact. and in these moments of sadness i actually feel something. even if it is something horrible.

moments of happiness -- true happiness, beyond contentedness -- are so hard to pinpoint and so easily forgotten that i am hard pressed to describe the feeling.

~

sure, i could just chalk it up to hormones or a general dissatisfaction with the way things are going right now, but i actually don't think these moments will ever go away.

#2

People say that hindsight is 20/20. I say that hindsight is a bitch -- and so is its not-so-distant cousin, regret.

We all make choices based on imperfect information. Rarely do the consequences of these choices turn out exactly as predicted. When the consequences are unfavorable for us, our friends hindsight and regret come into play. "I am unhappy now as a result of choice A. If I had chosen choice B, I would be ____ (1000x happier, healthier, whatever... insert various nice things here). Why didn't I choose B? I am so stupid / horrible etc etc etc"

Stop right there. Because isn't regret itself based on highly imperfect information? How do you know how the world would have turned out had you gone down the path of B? There is so much uncertainty in this re-envisioning of life that it merits its own verb tense -- the conditional.

Instead of focusing the "coulds" and "woulds" that B offer (which is tempting), it is better to come to terms with the fact that we chose A and to deal with the resulting (negative) feelings from that initial choice. Better to deal with the fallout of the present and look towards the future than to wallow in the past.

Easier said than done, of course. Most of the time I wish I were in a different time and world. I wish I were younger, or brighter, or prettier. More outgoing, more optimistic, more excited and passionate, less envious ... But now I am venturing into another dangerous verb tense -- the subjunctive.

Why can't I just stay in the indicative and know what the hell I am actually doing???

#1

i just found out there's no such thing as the real world, it's just a lie we have to rise above -- john mayer

corporate america. the office. cubicle life. computer screens and fluorescent lights. coffee machines and microwaveable lunches. this is the "real world." this is what college did or did not prepare me for, what i am so lucky to have in a country with 10% unemployment, what i do dans la vie, (si jamais tu me poses la question). this is my real world. what's yours?

and how do we rise above?

James Franco <3

James Franco is at NYU this semester. Apparently taking a class on Queer Cinema 101.

What I would give to have a class with him...

Although according to a comment on the site, "Even when James Franco is registered for a class, he doesn’t necessarily show up. And when he does show up, he’s an hour late, and he sits in the corner and scribbles illegible, emphatic notes while everyone stares at him as though he might spontaneously combust or turn into a rabbit at any given moment."

Yeah, that sounds about right.

on me dit que le temps qui glisse est un salaud - carla bruni

I don't like staying in one place. I get antsy for a change, a break in the routine. I'm sitting here in bed, listening to French music, wondering why I didn't follow in the footsteps of a ton of my college friends and move to Paris or Geneva. And then I remember that I got antsy in Paris, too. While there, I wrote la nouveauté d'un endroit s'en va toujours a few days before I returned to the States. As much as I loved Paris, for me it has always been New York. Because what does New York have if not nouveauté?

Now I'm at the last dredges of the summer slump. Making plans to break plans. Staying at home and doing nothing at all. At least I'll be out of here soon. This time I refuse to relegate my feelings to the territory of emo "need to escape" angst. How weird is it that I think my feelings are marginalized when someone tells me that other people/groups/movements have felt/are feeling exactly the same way? Sometimes I don't want my life to relate exactly to that song or that poem or that book. You are not alone. But sometimes I want to be.

Cleaning/packing

Cleaning house can be really painful sometimes, because looking back on certain things bring back memories that I'd rather let sit on the shelves for a while.

But it can also be kind of amusing. In a dark way. Something I wrote in a notebook a long time ago while attending a conference:

"58% of intellectual capital around the globe comes from women"

A statistic I no doubt thought was cool at the time, but that I find completely non-nonsensical now (my less sophisticated response while reading it -- "WTF?!"). How do you even measure something as intangible as "intellectual capital," anyways? Doesn't each company define it differently? And even if you could create a common definition (which I guess does sort of exist), how could you quantify it? For the world, no less!

And what about survey biases? Blanket statements like the one above kind of bother me. Not that I'm a statistics snob, but I don't like people trying to make themselves sound progressive with strange statistics that don't really mean anything in the end. I guess that's politics, though.

Sleeping more

This is slightly paradoxical, considering the time-stamp on this blog, but I've decided I need to drastically change my sleep habits.

1 Simple Goal -
7 hours per night. At least, on weeknights.

Reasoning -
Too many late nights in college have messed up my sleep schedule. I don't think I can expect to sleep at 2am and wake up on time for work. Also, I don't want my life span to be shortened because I hvae shitty sleeping habits. That's just not worth it. Good health = good sleep. I think.

Screw all my non-realized goals for this summer. It's now just over a month before I have to start work, and this is all I hope to accomplish. I think it's do-able.

So good night, and wish me good luck (and sweet dreams) :-D

Being Social and Stuff

Certain social mores and unspoken codes come into effect (or are more noticeable) when you get older. It's as if I can't just do whatever I feel like doing or want to do anymore without the nagging worry of being awkward.

Case in point - I met somebody during an event with whom I would really like to speak and re-connect. I got the business card of this person at the time, but could not locate it for a while. Now, almost a year later, I've found it again, and part of me wants to write this person an e-mail while another part of me thinks that the time frame of social acceptability has definitely already been breached. This may seem trivial, especially since I have a decent chance of crossing paths with this person after starting work, but I can't shake the feeling that it would be better to reach out now, if only to say, "yeah, I really did want to talk to you more the last time, I just never had the chance" before we're both working under the auspices of Corporate America.

So normally I would go with my gut on this one and send the e-mail, but I don't know anymore. Since when did I actively try to avoid social faux pas?

Marriage (or lack thereof)

Maybe it's because I'm hormonal, but every other day I somehow get quite upset over little things that multiply into bigger ones.

Case in point - today, some friends of mine were joking about the kind of man I was going to marry. It was all very harmless in tone, as in "oh, I can't imagine the kind of person you're going to end up with," but for some reason, this put me on the defensive. First of all, why are we talking about marriage, of all things? Why not date or boyfriend... why husband? This is another part of getting older, I suppose, that these sorts of conversations actually seem less absurd that they would. Second, I don't exactly appreciate the insinuation, however joking, that it would be crazy to find somebody who would actually marry me. Obviously I'm blowing this out of proportion, but I think I have enough insecurities and enough hormones floating around in my head that these sorts of things really don't help. Third, and most importantly (and this relates to the first), why marriage? Who says I'm getting married in the first place?

Of course my parents wouldn't understand this. Later tonight, we had some family friends over, and it was the same old conversation. "Have you found a boyfriend yet?" Only this time, when I said no, the response was really offsetting. "You'd better find one soon, and get married, too." My parents didn't say anything, but I know that they agreed. My grandparents as well... they keep telling me that they want to see me get married sometime in their lifetimes. I'd do a lot to make them happy, but I don't know if I can do that.

To me, marriage is such a huge thing that I can't even imagine it happening. And if (miraculously) I ever find a nice boyfriend, I certainly don't want to be pressured by outside forces into this huge commitment. Marriage is so much of a non-issue for me, yet so much of a legitimate issue for others who think they have some sort of stake in my life. Just thinking about this makes me sad as well as nauseous.

Yeah... hormones majorly suck.

On a lost USB Drive

I wrote a poem yesterday on a piece of Coscto's catalog when I couldn't find my USB drive amidst all the trash in our living room:

How much of our lives do we put in storage?
Piles of things
Material
Digital
Virtual
Stocked into
heaping columns and
entropic masses
Clutter

and the frantic and
frenetic search that ensues
for Lost Things
memories.
intangible documents
and
electronic pictures
we think we're making for meaning
when really
it's all just an expanse
of glorified
waste

~~

okay, not the best example of creative writing (haven't done that in a while). but it was nice to get my frustrations out.

i want to be more productive. list of things i want to do by the end of the summer:

1) learn ms excel (a skill that will actually come in handy when i start working, unlike much of my college education)

2) be more active: running, tennis, even golf. actually fit into my clothes

3) continue to improve le français and start learning deutsch

Gossip Goodness

It's amazingly easy to return to routine after traveling. Sleeping in, lounging on the couch, eating candy, watching Gossip Girl reruns...

Speaking of which, I saw this adorable video today of the cast



I think what makes Gossip Girl so great is that the cast seems kind of down-to-earth and real, despite the absurdity of the show itself. None of the girls are stick thin (like in the new 90210, of which, thank goodness, I only saw one horrible episode), Penn Badgely and Blake Lively are so cute together, and Leighton Meester is <3... it's easy to overlook the soap-opera like qualities of the storylines and the unspectacular acting of Chace Crawford (though his hotness kind of makes up for it... those unruly yet AMAZING bangs!!). I can't wait until Season 3 starts in the fall. I may not be in college anymore, but I will be in the city!!

Afternoon Tea at Fornum & Mason

I booked a spot for Afternoon Tea at the famed St. James restaurant in Fortnum & Mason, London.



Here's what the confirmation message said (emphasis added):

"Fortnum & Mason St. James Restaurant is delighted to confirm your reservation. Please make your way to the 4th floor on arrival to the store. Our dress code is smart casual and we ask that gentlemen wear long trousers and closed-toe shoes and that both sexes lean more towards elegance than the beach.... We look forward to welcoming you to the St. James Restaurant in Fortnum & Mason. With kind regards..."

This is great. I would say it's quintessentially British, but something tells me that Afternoon Tea nowadays is more of an elaborately constructed trap for affluent foreign tourists (or, in my case, ex-students with Fathers on business trips) than a long-standing British tradition.

Oh, well. It's nice to have Fathers on business, even if it means I'll be on my own most of the time. At least we'll have Afternoon Tea.

e-mail sucks sometimes

I hate modern communication sometimes because it makes it so hard to determine tone of voice. I don't know if an e-mail reply somebody sent me suggests he is annoyed with me or angry or being short with me or none of the above. And I'm a pretty neurotic and self-conscious person who seeks approval a lot so not knowing bothers me a lot.